Bobcat Goldthwait: Eliot Loudermilk
Frank Cross : Hey. Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?
[toss gun away; it fires]
Frank Cross : All right, you've heard it. How's this for a deal? I hire you back, pay you twice your original salary, and offer you a vice president position. Would you like my office?
Elliot : No, I don't like your office.
Frank Cross : That's SO YOU!
Elliot : What's the catch?
Frank Cross : The catch...
Frank Cross : ...is that you need to shower, little man. You are RIPE! Whoo!
Elliot : Hello, IBC program room.
Preston : This is Rhinelander. Who's the idiot that put that nut on the air?
Elliot : Oh, uh, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir, but uh... he can't talk to you right now because he's sorta tied up. Uh-huh. Oh, in fact, he just said that you were a flatulating butthead?
Preston : A butthead?
Elliot : He said he never felt that way about a man before, but you really looked good in a suit.
Frank Cross : I am the youngest president in the history of television for a reason: I know the people.
Elliot : Well, uh... granted but the people already wanna watch the show.
Frank Cross : [a pause; shouting] That isn't good enough! They have got to be so scared to miss it! So terrified!
Frank Cross : Now if I were in charge, and I am.
[laughs. IBC Executive laughs along with him but Frank looks at him and he shuts up]
Frank Cross : Perhaps I can help you. Here's the kind of thing I would have done. Grace, cue it up.
[Frank stands in front of the screens. Thunder sounds and ominous music start playing]
Scrooge Promo Announcer : Acid rain.
[Images and sounds of people screaming; Frank makes a screaming face]
Scrooge Promo Announcer : Drug addictions.
[Shows a guy groaning and shooting up on heroin. Scene changes to a jet taking off]
Scrooge Promo Announcer : International terrorism.
[Jet blows up in midair. Scene changes to a guy pulling a shotgun out of a car]
Scrooge Promo Announcer : Freeway killers.
[Guy with shotgun fires]
Scrooge Promo Announcer : Now more than ever...
Frank Cross : [Speaking along with announcer] It is important to remember the true meaning of Christmas.
Scrooge Promo Announcer : Don't miss Charles Dickens' immortal classic Scrooge. Your life...
Frank Cross : [Speaking along with announcer] ... might just depend on it.
[Promo holds on the image of a nuclear explosion. Frank takes a sip of coffee and looks at the executives]
Frank Cross : Not bad, huh?
Frank Cross : It's not too late on Christmas Eve to have fun, you can call an old college roommate, call, you know an old army buddy, call your personal banker. HEY! I don't hear any partying in that booth, Elliot!
Elliot : Great!
[fires shotgun, silent pause down below on the set]
Elliot : You heard him, party!
Frank Cross : Now why wasn't I invited?
Elliot : Now that was just an innocent window and you saw what I did to that! Ugh! You don't know who you're dealing with!
Frank Cross : It's a night, you gotta party hardy Marty!
[In the Ghost of Christmas Future funeral scene, we see Frank, hysterically terrified, banging inside around the coffin, trying to escape and make things right for himself before he is doomed for cremation. It is then that, in the next scene, the elevator doors open]
Frank Cross : [Screaming; banging on the elevator doors as they open] I wanna live!
[Frank is back at the IBC Television Network headquarters office floor, revealing that his doomed future has all been a hallucination]
Frank Cross : [Sceams] I'M ALIVE!
[Hallelujah Chorus plays]
Frank Cross : [relieved] Holy shit, what a break! I'm at work!
[Glances at the network's sun image as Eliot holds a shotgun at Frank]
Frank Cross : Oh, God, it's the sun! I never thought I'd see the sun again. I'm alive!
Elliot : [enraged] Not for long!
Frank Cross : [cheerful] Milkman! Ha!
[Frank hugs and kisses Eliot]
Frank Cross : I'm the Woodstock, baby! I'm gonna start with you.
[kisses Eliot again, this time on the lips]
Frank Cross : You're one of my favorites. Come here! I'm alive and so are you!
[still excited and full of joy]
Frank Cross : Hey! Are you glad to see me, or is this a shotgun in your pocket?
[Frank takes the shotgun, then drops it, causing it to fire a shot]
Frank Cross : Okay, you've heard it. Come on!
[shoves Eliot to the elevators]
Frank Cross : Great!
Elliot : [frightened] Don't hurt me!
Frank Cross : [holds out his right hand for a low five] Real alive! Pink slide!
[Eliot slaps on it... ]
Frank Cross : Coming back!
[then Frank slaps Eliot's hand... ]
Frank Cross : Long sole!
[while Eliot slaps Frank's shoe sole]
Frank Cross : You know this one?
[lifts Eliot's shirt and blows a raspberry nuzzle into his bellybutton]
Frank Cross : That's my thing. I'm gonna do this to everybody.
[blows a raspberry again; Eliot laughs]
Frank Cross : All right, here's the deal.
[spins himself and Eliot around]
Frank Cross : I'll hire you back, twice your original salary, and make you my Vice-President in charge of Programming, and I'll give an office up here. Would you like my office?
Elliot : No, I don't like your office.
Frank Cross : Ha, ha, ha!
[lets Eliot go]
Frank Cross : That's so you!
Elliot : What's the catch?
Frank Cross : The catch, is that you gotta take a shower, little man. You are ripe! Whoa!
Elliot : [confused] There's a problem here. I was looking for a Francis Xavier Cross.
Frank Cross : That's me! But the great thing is, it's not me! The Jews taught me this great word: Schmuck. I was a schmuck, and now... I'm not a schmuck.
[grabs Eliot's neck with his arm]
Frank Cross : Wait a minute. What time is it?
Elliot : Somebody store my watch.
Frank Cross : A quarter to! We didn't miss it! Ha, ha!
[playfully punches on Eliot's chest]
Frank Cross : We didn't miss it!
Elliot : Missed what?
Frank Cross : Christmas! Merry Christmas!
[throws Eliot into the elevator]
Frank Cross : Wah-hoo! Are you alone in there? We're gonna have some fun. You and I are gonna have some fun for once in this life, Loudermilk & Cross together.
[Phone rings in the control room]
Censor Lady : [picks up the receiver, but is snatched by Eliot] Ouch!
Elliot : Hello, um, Control Room. How can I help you?
Preston : This is Rhinelander. I wanna talk to the idiot who put that moron on the air
Elliot : Oh, um, Brice Cummings is the idiot, sir. But he can't talk to you right now 'cause, uh, he's tied up.
[Brice is tied and restrained to a chair]
Elliot : Uh-huh. Yes. In fact, he just said that you were an flatulating butthead.
Preston : [shocked] A butthead?
Elliot : He said he never felt that way about a man before, but he really liked you in a certain way.
[Brice growls and mumbles to explain the truth, but to no avail; Preston, furious, then kicks one of his cats out of the way]